We are doing the best we can

**Pregnancy talk

 

Fall is winding down here, the holidays are fast approaching. Life events are happening all around. I will start with an update on baby C. Her growth ultrasound in the beginning of October went well. She was in the 80th percentile for her gestational age, in large part to her abdomen that was measuring a week and 6 days ahead of everything else. We have another growth ultrasound tomorrow morning. I have begun going to the doctors every 2 weeks now as I am 2 days shy of 30 weeks. Non-stress tests will start at 32 weeks. I started to bring up delivery timing at my last appointment and got shut down pretty quickly. The MFM I see is pretty set in their ways with the 39 week induction. They said the generally won’t induce before that and, if they do, they will require an amniocentesis. I will ask about it at every appointment until we can hopefully agree to a middle ground. Daily kick counts are in full swing, but let’s be honest, it’s not one 2 hour kick count per day (like the PA at my office naively told me is all I need to achieve). I am hyper-acutely aware all day everyday about kicks. My anxiety has been ramping up for sure, as I am approaching the time when I lost Quinn and it is weighing heavily on Chris and I. We are hopeful, but we are scared, which is something that I feel should be pretty easy to understand. I have had people tell me that more frequent appointments, more frequent testing, and making it past the point that I was with Quinn will provide me relief. To an outsider, that may make sense, but it is in fact false when speaking to someone who has experienced a stillbirth. We will be on high alert up until the moment we hear her cry, which we are so hopeful we get to hear.

Baby C had a name picked out originally. From about 15 weeks to 26 weeks she was going to be Charlotte. The more we talked about her name the more we weren’t quite sold on it so we went back to the drawing board. We have settled on a name now but we decided to keep it our little secret. We think it will be perfect for her and it goes with Aubrey as her middle name.

Onto the heavier stuff. As I said, the holidays are fast approaching, and all around us people are experiencing life changing events. I received this week’s Refuge in Grief newsletter from Megan Devine which couldn’t be more appropriately timed. “The pain of your loss simply needs to be tended to; it can’t be fixed. Suffering is different. Suffering is all the extra added stuff that gets heaped onto your pain: family politics, social stressors, holiday stressors, as well as physical challenges that decrease your capacity to tend and withstand your pain.” She goes on to say, “Reducing your suffering while tending your pain is, in my opinion, is the real work of grief.” Megan, I couldn’t agree more. I wish I could shout those statements from the rooftops, or rent an airplane and fly it over the country. If only we could get the outside world to better grasp this concept. Chris and I have spent the majority of the last 9.5 months explaining and justifying what we are experiencing. We feel as though we have to explain ourselves because there is so little understanding. I keep reminding people that we are doing the best we can.

We are taking baby steps, but unfortunately it takes several baby steps to get to where many think we should already be.  As I wrote before, grief isn’t linear and we anticipate the holidays, which would have been Quinn’s first, to be especially hard. We ask that this holiday season, if someone you know is suffering, be kind to them. Help them tend to their grief, try not to increase their suffering with expectations that they may not be able to meet, and always remember, we are all doing the best that we can.

4 thoughts on “We are doing the best we can

  1. “The pain of your loss simply needs to be tended to; it can’t be fixed. Suffering is different. Suffering is all the extra added stuff that gets heaped onto your pain: family politics, social stressors, holiday stressors, as well as physical challenges that decrease your capacity to tend and withstand your pain.” She goes on to say, “Reducing your suffering while tending your pain is, in my opinion, is the real work of grief.”

    Thank you for this. Beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 YES. I am avoiding the holidays like the plague…but, I have Landon who is 5. I can’t up and not let them happen, you know? So I’m trying to work through how I’m supposed to be chipper for a 5 year old and sad for my daughter. I hate it.

    Like

  3. 39 week induction?!!! For someone that has a previous stillbirth? I hope you reach a middle ground! You are doing a great job and I can’t wait to hear about baby girls first cry AND name. 💖

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s