There’s been a lot of thoughts and happenings lately so I thought I’d just put it all together in one rundown. Things are going well so far with baby C. I will be 23 weeks on Tuesday and will start having my growth ultrasounds in October. At my last appointment, the PA laid out how the next few weeks will go for me and how my antenatal testing will go. She also gave me the “if this then that” scenarios which I greatly appreciated. Baby C has been kicking me since 15 weeks but they are getting stronger and more consistent. I have to tell myself sometimes that it is still early and I can’t do kick counts until 28 weeks. That doesn’t stop me from wondering at times when the last time was that she kicked and sitting quietly until I feel her again. . . but I’m working on it (it has gotten better as time has gone on I will say that.)
I was talking with another coworker who had a stillborn (she is coming up on the 6 month mark of her loss). I asked her how she was doing with that and told her how hard it was for me. She had said how it is difficult because as time goes on she feels so far away from her daughter. That was such an interesting way of putting it, but I agree with her. Time is such a funny thing. The days go by slowly, but the weeks seem to fly by. You want time to soften your grief but at the same time, you want the memory of your child to stay vivid. You feel like with time, people tire of hearing you talk about your grief or emotions (even if that may not actually be the truth). I am so appreciate the friends and family in our life who have stood by us these last 8 months and supported us. I am also so appreciative of the loss mommas I have met, while I wish none of us knew what this was like, we can support each other on this path.
Speaking of coworkers, some of you may remember the story of my clairvoyant coworker from a few months back. I managed to make it nearly 22 weeks without her knowing that I am pregnant. I probably could have hid it for a few more weeks, but one day at the nurses’ station, two of my coworkers were discussing the size of my abdomen. She turned to me and asked if I was pregnant and I said yes. I was trying to quickly finish up what I was doing and scoot down the hallway, but alas, I couldn’t move fast enough. She goes remember what I told you. I said yes except 1) I was already pregnant when you told me that and 2) it is a girl, not a boy. She stared at me and said oh, hmm. Then asked if I am scared (can we insert an eye roll here). I went back down the hallway and thought the conversation would be left at that. Nope. Later on that day, she walked up to me while I was in a patient’s room and told me how she couldn’t believe she was wrong twice. She said she is right all the time except for with myself and another coworker (that coworker sadly suffered a late first trimester loss). There has to be a reason she was wrong with me twice she said. I finally told I’d really rather not continue to discuss this. She got the hint and left me alone. Let’s hope it stays that way.
Pregnancy after loss is a big experiment in desensitization. You have no choice but to face all the things that you fear. I cried the first few appointments and ultrasounds but have since settled with them. I still hold my breath to hear a heartbeat or see her move when she flashes on the screen but I don’t have quite the emotional reaction I’ve had in the past. With each trimester or milestone, it takes time to acclimate yourself to it. It is definitely a work in progress!