Our little Butterfly

I have been noticeably absent in my writing the last few months, taking some time to seek out different levels of support since losing Quinn. I have been to a couple of different support groups, which, to my surprise, have been helpful for me. I was also lucky to be able to meet up with Alison, Meredith’s mom, for lunch, which was so wonderful. Many loss moms have written about finding your tribe or your support group and I can echo that. It is so incredibly important to have a group of people who understand exactly what you are going through. And by understand, I mean truly understand. Yes, every loss is different, but we can all relate to each other on a level that is only understood if you have experienced the loss of a child. The support that I have received from this community of loss moms is so very much appreciated.

With that being said, it is with cautious optimism that Chris and I are announcing that we are expecting our second child, a little girl, in January. For anyone who knows us, or has read the blog, you know that Quinn was born on January 28. The delivery date is still up for debate, but it will be sometime between January 3-10 barring any complications. I have been managed strictly by maternal fetal medicine in this pregnancy. I am taking a daily baby aspirin despite the fact that I have no clotting disorders, in hopes that we do not have a repeat clotted placenta. Chris and I went to the anatomy ultrasound this morning and will now begin monthly growth ultrasounds to assess baby C’s growth. At 32 weeks, I will start twice weekly non stress tests (I tried to ask for these to be started earlier but it was decided upon that starting them earlier wasn’t in my best interest). Chris and I are hopeful, but scared, as I think anyone would be walking down this pregnancy after loss path.

We want to point out that even though we are pregnant again, this does not erase what happened to Quinn. Being pregnant is also not the magic, fix all button. Our innocence and naivety to pregnancy are gone forever. We are hyper-acutely aware of what the worst possibility is, we lived it. We will always miss Quinn. No matter how many children we have, she will always be our first baby. Our family pictures will forever be missing her. We are appreciative of the love and support we have received thus far, as sharing our news has come with a lot of anxiety. You so want to be excited and plan ahead, but your heart and your head quickly remind you to pull back. Our therapist told us that this baby deserves to be celebrated, just as her big sister was, and we have been working hard on trying to do that.

At one of our first appointments, there was a paper butterfly on the ceiling of the exam room. We took that as a sign that our sweet girl was there with us, watching out for mom and dad and her new baby sister. We love you sweet girl and we love your little sister too…