I’m looking at you through a glass

“No one will ever care to the depths that you do.”

Those were the words from my longest friend. A friend who has walked through a lot of life events with me and never wavered in her support. Amanda and I now have an even closer bond than ever before, as we both lost our children. She lost her sweet little boy, Mason, to sudden unexplained death in epilepsy (SUDEP) at 21 months old in 2015. Her support since losing Quinn has been invaluable. I absolutely hate that we both know what it is to lose a child but I am so glad that we have each other to lean on.

Amanda and I were discussing yesterday how some recent events have caused me to stop and wonder. I told her that I am starting to feel like people have forgotten about Quinn. Like the general consensus is that we’ve had 3 months to grieve, time to pull up our bootstraps and get back to life. She said those words to me, no one will ever care to the depths that you do. I thought that was a pretty profound statement and I never really looked at it like that. She’s right, losing Quinn has affected Chris and I in a different manner that it has affected everyone else in our lives. Again, each person who has gone through this with us has grieved, but their lives go on. I know it is still fresh and eventually time will take us further away from the grief we feel in this moment, but the fact remains that Quinn will always be our first born daughter. No matter what life brings to us or what other curveballs are thrown our way, as the years go by, we will always wonder what she would have been doing, remembering that she would have been 2 or 12 or 20. I feel like I am desperately seeking acknowledgment that Quinn was here, she was a baby, and she is our daughter. She will forever be a part of our lives even though she isn’t physically here.

The other aspect of life that Amanda and I were talking about yesterday is some hurt feelings with how news has been shared with Chris and I. Anyone who knows me knows that I would do anything in my power to be there for the people I love. I try to be very sensitive to people’s feelings and empathize with anyone when they are going through rough times. When I was discussing this topic with Amanda, she once again offered her insight: you are looking through a glass not at a mirror. No one is ever going to do things the way you would have done them. Again, she is right. This concept will take me a little more work to keep in mind, but I am so glad I can talk to my closest friends without fearing judgement.

As we learn to live this life AQ (after Quinn as my husband now calls it) I have to get used to the idea that the grief comes in waves. There are going to be times where I am more sensitive to things than others. While not everyone I come across will understand what we are going through, I am thankful for the people who do.

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