When Your Innocence is Lost

I have found myself looking at old pictures a lot recently. There is one picture in particular that I look at almost nightly. This picture, one from our engagement session in 2012, is so striking to me that I am not sure why it took me so long to really pay attention to it. It is black and white and shows my husband and I sitting on a bench at his alma mater. We are looking at each other and laughing, there is something so genuine about it. It doesn’t look like someone was following us around all day photographing us, it looks like someone snuck up on us and snapped this picture. We look so happy and carefree. I long to be able to feel that way again.

Now the reason I spoke of the picture first is because I look at our life now, completely turned upside down, and wonder how can we go back to that? That innocence before life jades your outlook. I have said many times that I feel like we were robbed of our innocence. Just 2 weeks before losing Quinn, I was telling someone how awesome being pregnant was. “I love it! If every pregnancy was like this I can now understand why people have 4 and 5 kids.” How naïve of me. I was so innocent then. I think back to being pregnant and it seems like a lifetime ago; sometimes hard to believe that it ever actually happened. I wish I would have taken more pictures of my belly, and of Chris and I together. I wish I would have told myself to stop complaining about having a placenta that was posterior (the reason why I could feel her kick so early, the placenta was towards my back giving her free range to kick me with no cushion) because I would give anything to feel her kick again.

I remember walking into her room the night we decided to pack things away. I sat on the floor folding and packing while Chris unloaded the closet. Daddy’s girl onesies were like a knife to my heart while all the “firsts” got to Chris. First Thanksgiving, first Christmas, the Halloween costume I bought at the end of the season. All reminders of what we had lost. Then there were the books. Most had little notes to Quinn about how loved she already was. We packed all of our hopes and dreams into a Rubbermaid container and a box that now resides in our storage unit. Our innocence forever stolen.

I speak of these things because I know that the world didn’t stop when ours did. Please understand that we are picking up the pieces of our shattered world and trying to glue them back together as best as we can. We are very happy for all of the people in our lives and we love them all the same. If we don’t react to a happy announcement in the manner that you would expect know that we are sorry for that. We are happy for you but sad for us. We are not the same people we were before January 28, 2016. Our innocence is lost.HC-012

4 thoughts on “When Your Innocence is Lost

  1. Losing the innocence is so hard. I can’t even look at old pictures for this reason. Don’t worry about how others in your life are taking you reactions or nonreactions to their happy news. Your baby died and however you deal with that is acceptable. Period. Those who don’t understand may not be worth it…

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  2. I can really relate to all of this. Life before feels so alien. We set ourselves a rule right at the beginning (granted we break it a lot) to “not apologise for grief”. It’s a hard one though. Much love xx

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